I remember the first time i met scott, that was 6 yrs ago to the day... He was trying to talk to me and i asked him if he was serious because i new he had a g/f.. : ) scott always loved the way i called him on his crap and he could never figure out how i knew everything.. thats how we become so close there were never no secrets only heart in his words.. ill always wait for the day to see him and walk up to him and have him give me that look he always gave and run his hand along my face and tell me he loves me like he did the last time i seen him, im sorry scott, love you sweetness
I remember the day i had you.It was a blessing to have you.All the nurses just went crazy over you,you had so much hair and the color of your hair was beautiful.The nurses went crazy and they said they never seen a baby born with color of hair and you were a beautiful baby.And they were right!!!You was my beautiful baby boy.And your little feet prints i still have are so cute.You were a very pleasent baby you were always happy.And then when you were 3 weeks old you got sick and i was so scared for you.You were put into todds hospital and they found out what was wrong and they helped me to learn how to take care of you.You had what they call Sidds.I was so scared that i was going to lose you.I cried so much and i needed to make sure what was wrong.Every time you went to sleep you forget to breathe and you you quit and this alarm would go off and wake you up.I put you in my bed and i slept with you beside me every night with my hand on your chest to make sure you were still breathing..You were a happy little boy and you and melvin was always close even as little ones.Somtimes melvin would get upset cuz he just wanted to be by himself and oh no you werent letting that happen.You had to be with him.You were a good kid you got into a little trouble but oh well all kids get into a little of trouble.You were very smart in school i still have all your certifacates you got in school.The best one is when you were in pre-school and you went threw it all and now it was time to graduate to the big school.You had a cap and gown and you got a diploma the whole works i was so proud of you.I got you a cake and took alot of pitcures of you and i still have your cap and gown and all the pit.You did alot of amazing things when you were little.One thing you were always smiling.You had this special grin.And when i look at the pitcures i see that grin all the time even as you got older.It was scottys special grin.Then when you came an adult i thought i did it he is going to be okay you made it threw all the scarry times when i thought i was going to lose you from the sidds.You struggled as a adult no one understood you they took you as somthing they didnt want to deal with and you were hurt from alot of people.You done some things to people but they didnt understand why you did what you did.You did what you had to do to get by.When i moved to belmont street and you moved in with me you were happy and i knew then you had a place to lay your head at night and you were eating and safe.I miss that having you here with me.And then it came to people telling me i need to teach you tough love love and let you learn how to deal being on your own and i did and i wish the hell i never listen to anyone.I hurt so bad for not being able to help you and be there for you when you needed me the most.I should had never made you leave and i should have been there more for you and not care about what other people said i should do.It hurts me so much to know that i let you down scotty.I needed to be your mom and i wasnt and this is killing me.The hell with tuff love that is the worse thing you can do for your child,you need to be there always.I listen to someone and now i will regret it for the rest of my life that i wasnt there for you scotty and i am so sorry.You were struggeling and i wasnt there for you,yea i gave you money to help you and yes i bought you food when you needed it and i let you wash your clothes and let you take showers and feed you whenever you were here.But that isnt enough i should have put my foot down and let you stay here and i wouldnt have had to worry all the time about you and you may have not got into trouble and been locked up and i bailed you out of jail a couple of times.But you always wondered why i never came to see you in jail well i just couldnt,i didnt want to see my child behind a window it hurt me to much and i just couldnt do it.But you called when you wanted to and i just got your last phone bill from the jail for when you were in there in december and i paid it off.You only went to jail for driving a car without a licensens not for doing things bad you just shouldnt been driving but who dont do that i know alot who does.You was a graet person and so forgiving to others no matter how much they hurt you if they needed your help and you were there.You were here helping build my shed in the back yard and it hurts to look out there and see that shed now.No matter what people did to you , you were always there for them when they needed you.You help so many move and what ever they needed done you did it.And when your grandma died you were heart broken and you wrote this beautiful letter about your grandma and you got up on that stand and read it so proudly and it was great.I was proud of you for what you did.You moved in with your grandpa after and you did your best to help him as much as you could and he loves you for that and so do i.You wanted a baby of your own so bad and i wish that you did have one.We thought you may have been the dad to brenden and when the test showed no i seen the hurt in you i seen you cry cuz you wanted him to be yours.Oh how i wsh you had a baby right now cuz that baby would be my life and the only thing to hold onto.But i ahve the memories and you are always in my heart and on my mind.Only if you had told us that you werent feeling good we would have helped you and i would have sold everything to help you i would have gave you my heart if i knew that you would still be here.The question will always be why ,why didnt you tell someone.We will never know that answer now cuz you are gone and it hurts so much scotty.One thing i may have not done you right by listing to someone telling me that you couldnt live here with me but i never stop loving you scotty.I hate myself for not putting my foot down and sticking up for you and letting you live here.If you had been here i would have known that you were getting sick and i would have been able to get you help.Oh how i hate myself for that.When you needed me the most i failed you and now you are laying in a grave and we all are suffering from the loss of you..No one knows the hell that i am going threw and the guilt i have for not being your mom when you needed me the most.When you stayed here with me christmas eve it was nice to have you home and i sat there for awhile and just watched you sleep on my couch and i got you a blanket and covered you up and i said thank god you were safe that night.He didnt want you stay that night but i said you were and it wasnt going to hurt anything to have you here.I am glad that you were here that night cuz a few weeks later we lost you.And my life has been a night mare every since that day i got the call about you.My world came tumbling down and i havent been the same since.Scotty i hope you can forgive me for what i have done and not being there for you when you needed me the most.Scotty i am so sorry for everything for not standing up and saying that you were my son and i was going to let you stay here,I am so sorry for not being the right mom for you.I will never forgive myself so how can i ask you to..Moms arent suppose to let people tell them how to deal with thier child moms are suppose to be there for them when they are struggling and they need you to be there for them and not tell them no cuz someone doesnt want you here.I hate myself so much scotty i let you down and now you are gone and i cant do anything to help you and i cant bring you home ..All the money i gave you all the food i bought you and anyhting eles does not make up for what you had to go threw as a adult.No one should have to live that hard to make it day by day.Scotty i am so sorry i really am ..I have so much guilt that i have to deal with and i dont know how to deal with what i have done to you.My baby boy i am so sorry.But no matter what i say and no matter what i do it will never bring you back..I will go to my grave feeling guilty and hurting so much for what i have done to you..Scotty i love you that has always be true and i will always love you..Scotty you will always be my baby and i will love you and miss you every second of everyday for the rest of my life.But i need to forgive myslef before i can ask you to forgive me and i know that i will always be guilty for losing you.I love you scotty always,Love Mom
( I am so sorry my son )
scott we have so many memories but i remember when melvin was gone you where the only one there to help me move and man it was hard with the 2 of us,but we did it.thanks so much we didn't eat all day and then we finally eat some pizza sitting on the steps with timmy too you would have thought we ain't eat in like 10 days,i couldn't have did it without you.i have alot of memories with you and the kids abby misses you alot kiki too when you took abby to the mall and you came home with all kinds of stuff you said that girl she broke me.you bought her everything she wanted movies ,shoes ,a shirt.well scott r.i.p.you are saddly missed by everyone and we love you.we wish you where here.i have alot more but that's good for now but we miss you and love you....you will never be forgotin scott never ever love your sis amanda
i remember all the good times me and scott had i remember when i had my sona nd scott came up to the hospital and stayed with me and i remember that on thanksgiving of 2005 we were at "moms" house for dinner and we had the baby there and we had so much fun i miss him so much i also remember when we picked out my sons name we were at PJs and she helped us we used to have so much fun together i will never forget when he used to sneek over my house and then when he used to stay the night and we used to mess around and wrestle and have pillow fights....that was so much fun babi i love u and miss u very much u will always have my heart i will see u soon babi and brenden misses u and loves u very much that is ur son no matter what...! R.I.P BABI.....i love u sooo much KARRIE ANN
My favorite memory of scott is when i was coming home.After eighteen months in a boot camp my dad surprised me by having scott with him wnen he showed up at the airport.I had never been so happy my best friend couldn't wait to see me after a long time of not being able to hang out or communicate.He was still there for me just like he always was and it wasn't going to change.Now i dont have you scott and it hurts so bad i dont have any more real friends i dont know what to do! But i do know when i get there you will be waitin anxiously with a big old smile on your face .And i cant wait to hug you!!!! And not be without my best friend ever again. I miss you so much Scott. My baby is going to know how special their uncle scott was not just to me but to everyone.. Love .... MATT
